Jirard, Alex, and Another: An Unofficial TOVG Story
by xXDANKMASTAPRO12Xx
Summary: The Super Beard Bros. have a new friend and new adventures!
1. Chapter 1

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** **This is a Super Beard Bros fan fiction. If you don't want to be spoiled, go watch every episode of Super Beard Bros then come back. I wouldn't want to ruin the experience. Also, I recommend any young children viewing this story turn away. The Beard Bros. are cool dudes, so they're always fighting evil, and sometimes fights can get a little edgy and rough around the edges, y'know? Thanks for understanding. Now without further ado...**

 **Jirard, Alex, and Another: An Unofficial TOVG Story**

 **Chapter 1: When Beards Collide**

It was a beautiful, sexy Spring afternoon. Steamy. Memey.

I remember when I first saw them there, in the store, beards fully grown. They were buying a sack of potatoes. King Kullen.

Something about their presence made me feel warm and moist inside. I followed them outside the store, and I watched them, peering from behind a telephone pole. They were loading up the potatoes in the trunk.

"Hey, man, you need some help with that?" Jirard said to his companion.

"Nah, man. #buffboys." Alex said in response.

"Yeah, man, #buffboys." Jirard said.

I was mesmerized by the exchange.

They hop into the car. Jirard starts driving at 70 mph. I chase after them on foot. He has yet to notice me at this point. I follow the car down several small roads, when suddenly, it happened.

A white van swings around the corner going 100 mph and drives off.

The Bros. stop the car, get out, and put on suits and hats. Alex felt like wearing The Broderick today. They began to refer to each other in different names.

"What're you waiting for, Cole! Get after him!" Jirard says to Alex.

"Shut the fuck up, Finbar, you fat, racist, alcoholic piece of shit!" Alex replied to his good friend.

They get in the car. I leap into the trunk unnoticed. Sirens on, baby.

We fly down the street in hot pursuit of the van. Alex got up pretty close several times, but slammed into a few trees, power lines, cars, and pedestrians.

My heart was pumping.

It was an intense, gripping fight. We kept inching closer, but would fall back, then inch closer, and back and forth.

Jirard was firing at the tires. Alex was really fucking salty. Eventually, those beefcakes got him.

The van spun out and flew 600 fucking feet in the air, and then landed on the ground. The driver was pulled out of the car by Alex.

"Cole Phelps, LAPD! Put your hands in the air like you just don't care! Even if you do care! It doesn't matter! All that matters is that Finbar over here will put a bullet through your head if you don't stick 'em up! You make me sick!" Alex said to the criminal.

After sending that guy to jail, Jirard and Alex go home to the SBB Mansion.

I am still in their trunk as they pull into their massive car garage.

Jirard goes inside and Alex starts bringing all the stuff inside the mansion.

Alex looks in the trunk and finds me.

"Yo, Jirard, there's a dude back here."

"Cool, man. Just bring him inside."

"Tight."

The Super Beard Bros were bringing me into their home.

They offer me a nice, candlelit dinner, which we all enjoyed together.

We had some small talk during the meal.

They asked me my name, which I told them.

They asked me where I was from.

I told them I live amongst the shadows, and that I don't really have a home.

"Oh, that's ok. You can live with us, right Alex?" Jirard said.

"Ye." Alex says in response. He was too infatuated with his steak in the shape of a Pikachu to really pay attention. So was I.

"We don't really have an extra room for you at this exact moment, but hold on one sec!" Jirard said.

"Patrick! Pack your bags! You're out!" Jirard yells upstairs.

In about 5 minutes I see a man leave the mansion with bags, and a vengeful scowl on his face.

We finish dinner and wash up.

I go to my new room, and the SBB tuck me in like I am their own child, ready for the adventures we will have in our new life together.

I am Shigeru Miyamoto, and this is my story.

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


	2. Chapter 2

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry for taking over a week to make this next chapter. It kinda forgot about it for a few days, then when I remembered I didn't want to rush it in one night, and I was also really tired. I write these really freakin' late, when I should be sleeping. I'll try to upload chapters more regularly. We all need a bit more meme in our lives. Thanks for understanding. NOW ON TO CHAPTER 2!**

 **Chapter 2: The Inciting Incident**

"Get up."

I hear this as I turn over in my sheets. I peek at my bedside clock. It was 2:16 AM.

C'mon bro, we gotta get up."

It was Alex. He was getting me out of bed. It was going to be my first full day living with the Super Beard Bros.

Alex told me there was a big breakfast made downstairs, and Jirard wants us to have our first big feast together as a family. Jirard, Alex, and Shigeru. Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?

The breakfast wasn't cooked on a stove or anything. The cold food was placed next to a speaker playing the world famous album "Big Bad Bosses" because it is so hot it cooks the food as good as a few hundred degree stove. You should check it out.

Now you might be asking, "why did you all get up at 2:16 AM for breakfast?"

As Jirard has said in every single episode of The Completionist to date, "The early bird gets the worm." Or is it the bagel?

Alex and I walk downstairs, arms around each other like brothers.

Jirard has a big goofy grin on his face as we reach the table. We are all so happy to be together as friends.

Jirard was wearing a really tight t-shirt that said "DICK" on the front in giant letters.

Alex was wearing a nightgown and cap. I was wearing a

Our breakfast was a big plate of corn beef hash. We all ate off of the same plate, and used our hands like wild ape men. We wanted to feel like Donkey Kong. Dong.

Suddenly, the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade comes smashing through the fucking wall and destroys the whole fucking mansion. Holy fucking shit. We scream at the paraders to stop marching through our home, but they just refuse, and keep on going right though our fucking house, insisting it was the path on their parade map, and it was! Rip Beard Bros Mansion.

"Dudes! Those Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade motherfuckers knocked all of our money into the incinerator!" Alex informed us.

"Shit. We need some cash, or else Beard Bros won't be real anymore."

I keep my cool. I must do everything in my power to make sure Beard Bros stays alive. I wouldn't be where I am right now (standing on a pile of rubble from a destroyed mansion).

Jirard told us what the next step of action was.

"Alright guys. We have to remain positive. I know everything we've worked for has been destroyed, but we built ourself up, and we can do it again! We gotta get a starting point to start making some cash. Let's gather our things and hit the road!"

Alex came up carrying a backpack. "Alrighty guys, I got the interns in their pokéballs, in this backpack. I also packed some low carb snacks, 2 copies of Bee Movie, 6 copies of Shrek 2, and a capture card."

The only thing we really need now before we get started on our adventure was a set of wheels.

We wondered around L.A. for quite a while looking for a ride. We found a frog in a car, but it was a frog, and we are fully grown men. Can't fit in.

"What now?" I asked the bearded men.

"Idunno." replied Jirard.

"Wait, I think I remembered someone we can visit for a ride." Alex stated.

We pulled up in front of the Game Theorists' Castle. We knocked on the enormous drawbridge.

Out came a spooky skeleton guard or something. It held us down with its magic powers.

As it slowly approached us, we became filled with dread and fear. The sweat dripped down our faces. This was where it would all end. Our legacy would die right here. Beard Bros would be gone forever.

When the skeleton reached us like its pray, it leaned into my ear and said:

"I'm actually Ness."

The skeleton then let us into the castle, and gave us directions to the throne room.

After walking through the ornate halls, we reached the ruler of this castle, King MatPat.

"How can I help yee, loyal theorists?" questioned the king.

"We need a ride, man." Alex said.

"Well you guys are in luck! I'm working on an episode of Game Theory about cars! If you guys help me out, I'll give you a car!"

"Sounds like a plan, man. Whadd'ya need?"

"Here, just follow me this way. I have all the stuff we need in this backpack."

MatPat took us outside, as we began walking down the streets of L.A.

After about a half hour, we arrived at the place MatPat wanted to arrive at.

It was a car dealership.

MatPat slipped on a ski mask, grabbed his duel katana, and went told us the plan. Just kidding. He didn't have a plan. This was going to be an episode on how necessary strategizing in video games is. MatPat told us to just chill out here until he gave us further instructions.

MatPat runs inside the dealership, screaming in some ancient tongue while swinging his swords around. The alarm goes off.

MatPat rushes out after a solid minute. Cops are pulling up to the building. MatPat wedges one of his katana in the door handle in a way that keeps it blocked so the mob of bodyguards chasing after him couldn't reach him.

"I MANAGED TO GRAB A SINGLE PAIR OF KEYS! WE GOTTA DO THIS FAST OR WE'RE DEAD!" MatPat loudly informed us.

The cops start getting out of their cars.

"WHAT CAR IS IT?" Jirard yells.

MatPat clicks the keys to see what car the keys belonged to, by seeing which car beeps. It was a shitty white pedophile van. We mad dash towards it, with cops chasing behind us.

"TAKE THIS!" MatPat says as he throws his remaining katana at a police officer.

It bounced off. It was a foam toy, and not a real sword.

MatPat fumbles around with keys before I snatch it out of his hand open up the car.

"JIRARD, YOU DRIVE." I yell.

Jirard hops in and starts up the car. It takes a few seconds. This thing is a piece of crap.

We back up, as the mob of cops now disperse and get back in their cars.

An epic chase ensues. The police try to form a blockade in front of us and stop us, but Jiard just rolls down the window and yells "MOVE ASOID!"

"That's the mother, Rick!" Alex says.

We eventually drive over city lines, with the cops off our tail. We cheer with happiness. We were in the desert now.

Just as it looks like MatPat will be joining our team of renegade Memesters, we see a shadowy, black-clothed figure out of the window for a split second. He appeared to teleport to us for a small moment before teleporting away, but it was what he did in that time that matters. He fired a bullet towards the driver's seat, right towards Jirard's head, but it misses by a hair and hits the man in the passenger seat, MatPat.

We stopped the car. MatPat was fading out of consciousness.

"You gotta stay alive man! We need you!" Alex said.

"I'm so sorry, everyone, but it looks like my time here is just about up. *cough* *cough*

But you guys gotta keep going! Go bring back Beard Bros.! I know you can! *cough* *cough*

But hey...

That's just a theory...

A GAM-"

MatPat was dead.

Our journey was off to a rough start, but we all moved on within a few minutes, for the sake of story progression.

Suddenly, Jirard let out a huge gasp and let go out the wheel in shock. The car spun out. When it came to a stop, Alex and I simultaneously asked "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?"

Jirard slowly turned around to us with a shaken up look on his face.

"I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING OF EXTREME IMPORTANCE TO US RIGHT NOW."

"WHAT IS IT!?" Alex and I asked.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Truths Revealed**

"WE'RE STILL COPS!" Jirard revealed to us.

"My God," Alex said in sheer shock.

it was at this moment that I saw that there was a "#PERFECT" on the back of Jirard's really tight t-shirt.


	4. Chapter 4

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm trying to work on the time between writing chapters. I just get pre-occupied with real life stuff that I kinda forget this exists, then remember in two weeks. I'm also trying to give it a more cohesive story, because "HA HA SO RANDOM" humor gets old fast, but don't worry, I'll make sure I keep the SBB memes and that whole shitpost feel, so please don't hesitate to share your thoughts. Am I taking it too seriously? Is the whole thing too much of a memefest? Let me know! Anyway, ON TO THE SHOW!**

 **Chapter 4: Sick Set of Wheels**

We be cruisin' down the desert road real chill.

Our destination? New York City. Back in the day people and their families would come from their homelands to find new opportunities in the Big Apple, and that's what we planned on doing. The Bros. had a few friends over there that could help us out too.

Today is the 3 day of this whole ordeal. The first day (a Thursday) was the most eventful, being everything from the parade thing to MatPat dying. We slept in the car that night, and it was #uncomfyboiz". The second day was just us driving and chatting it up, and we slept in the car again. Still #notcoolboiz". Today so far has just been putting in the miles.

"Oh my god, this car has shit handling, and it's slow as hell!" said Alex in the drivers seat.

"We bein' #saltboiz today, Alex?" responded Jirard.

"No this car just freaking sucks, not to mention how long this whole thing is taking. It'll be days before we get to New York. It's our second full day on the road, it's almost 11PM, and we're still only in Nevada!"

Jirard responded, "You're right, dude. The subreddit is already blowing up with people upset and asking why there haven't been any new Beard Bros. for the past 3 days.

They were right, like always. This would take months. We needed to stop somewhere and do something about this. We needed to get a new ride. But where?

Suddenly we saw a shining chance of hope. It was a big lit-up sign.

"Welcome to Fabulous LAS VEGAS"

This was it. This was where we had to go. I felt it in my gut. Surely we could get a sick set of wheels here!

"Tight," all of us 3 said simultaneously, as we saw the bright city in front of us.

"So, where do we start?" I asked the Bros.

After thinking for a minute, Jirard perked up as he had an idea. "We gotta take that big biscuit risk," he said.

He was right. We drove our car to the nearest casino, and parked it right outside.

"This'll be quick, Alex," Jirard said, "Shigeru and I will go inside, make a few hundred thousand clams, and come right back. You can just wait in the car."

"Alright, dude, that's cool," Alex responded.

Jirard and I entered the casino. We had $200 to spend. We planned on multiplying that by at least 1,000. Unfortunately, that's not the way things turned out.

A bastard by the name of Jimmy Scringe cheated us out of all of our money. We left the casino with nothing. To make matters even worse, when we went outside, Alex and the car were gone.

"Well isn't this fantastic!" Jirard yelled in anger, "NOW WHAT DO WE DO!?"

"Look, let's just find a place to stay for the night, and figure this out in the morning." I proposed.

Needless to say, Jirard agreed, and we ran into a small, run down motel, obviously meant for one-night-stands, but it would have to do. The cost for one night was $20, but we were flat broke. Jirard sold his #PERFECTDICK t-shirt and jeans, and I sold my "Frog in a Car" t-shirt and sweatpants. We were thankfully able to keep our undies, socks, and sneakers.

We stayed there for the night, and watched The Big Bang Theory on the room's TV.

The next morning we checked out, and went outside, still in our undies. Unsure of where to go next, we just decided to walk down the street, in an attempt to find Alex. But we soon found out that we didn't need to look for him.

A school bus pulled up to us on the side of the road, and to our surprise, out stepped our friend, Alex Ficiane. He was wearing a sick jacket, had a sweet hat and sunglasses, and basically looked like a straight-up pimp.

"Hey guys," Alex said to us, "Are you familiar with The Magic School Bus?"

"WHAT THE HELL?" Jirard said in disbelief, "HOW?"

Alex began telling his story:

"I was sitting in the car, when I saw some really shady figures walking into an alley way. Still a cop, the perfect dick that I am, I decided to pursue them from a safe distance so they wouldn't notice me. It was really irritating and wasn't a fun mechanic. When they reached their destination, I confronted them, and realized they were actually running a pretty tight gang, so I joined. Over the course of the night, I worked my way up the ranks, and became one of their top members. I became acquainted with the gang's leader, who I have with my right now."

Out stepped a red-headed women in a polka dotted dress.

"Gentlemen," Alex continued, "Meet Miss Valerie Felicity Frizzle, 3rd grade teacher by day, gang leader by night. She's a huge Beard Bros. fan, so she was ecstatic when she found out I made it up the ranks of her gang in one night. I told her about our predicament, and she said she'd happily give us her custom built school bus, The Magic School Bus. She said it's fine because she's currently working on another vehicle with some guy named Doc Brown. Oh, she did say that she'd like a picture with both of us."

"Oh sure, anything to return the favor," Jirard said.

I took the picture of Jirard, Alex, and Miss Frizzle," and handed it to her.

"It's the least we could do," Jirard said.

"Have fun with my bus you boys! You better make some money and keep your show going! Don't let my gift to you two be in vain!" Miss Frizzle said as she disappeared into the shadows.

The Bros. and I hopped in the bus and sat down. Alex held up a briefcase and opened it up for us. There was $1,000 in it. He said it was another contribution to our cause from Miss Frizzle. What a generous woman.

"We should probably fill up on gas before we start our maiden voyage," Jirard said.

"HA!" said Alex "This doesn't run on fossil fuels! It runs on MAAAAAAGIIIIIIIC! Strap in boys! This is going to be one bumpy take-off!"

We put on our seat belts and got ready. Alex started up the bus and slammed his foot on the pedal. The bus dashed forward at 100mph, before it started to rise up in the air majestically.

As we ascended, we couldn't help but notice a shadowy figure on the ground, watching us taking off, stomping on the ground in frustration. We dismissed it as an ordinary civilian, upset that he didn't have a sick, flying bus like us.

"I couldn't help but notice your apparel, or lack thereof," said Alex, "You guys are just in luck. Look on the seat behind you."

There were two pimp suits, just like Alex's. Jirard and I put them on. We looked tight as heck.

We were soaring through the sky at a speed rivaling that of an ordinary passenger plane.

Next Stop: New York City.


End file.
